10:38 a.m

<http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/movies/reviews/moviereview_0623_175.jpg>

28 Days Later with Naomie Harris, Cillian Murphy, and Brendan Gleeson...

I've developped a new respect for zombie movies, in particular this one. And, no, it's not just because Cillian Murphy is damn sexy (ok, maybe just a little bit)

*Groan* Today is registration day. Yuck, yuckity, yuck. I dread school, really, I do. I rather enjoy the whole no school thing, it's kinda grown on me. I dunno...maybe a super teeny tiny part of me wants to go back (God knows I'm sick of working...and my mom), but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...it's too much. It's too goddamn much, it is. I just want to stay home and watch movies. Can't I make a career out of that?

Signed,

X

3:26 p.m

28 Days Later : A very good film (for what it is).

Cillian Murphy is so hot...goddamn. I wonder why I never noticed this during the trailers.

Anyhoo, these are the things TO DO today:

Run
Work
Piano Lessons

11:48 p.m

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain" - C.S Lewis

Quite appropriate, non?

Signed,

X

11:17 a.m

ELLE: That's right. I killed your master. And now, I'm gonna kill you, with your own sword, no less, which, in the very immediate future will become...my sword.

THE BRIDE: Bitch, you don't have a future.

The world is full of assholes and fuckers. LET'S KILL THEM ALL.

Signed,

X

11:45 p.m

I lost 2.2 lbs. Not bad, not fantastically great either. But I'm going to celebrate my accomplishments as they come.

So YAY FOR X!

I'm thinking about starting my own assassination posse. I think I'll call them the Dark Bunnies...Dark, as in, ooooh DARK and cryptic and 'don't mess with me bitch 'cause I'm a mean muthafucka' and bunnies as in...well, bunnies are cool.

DARK BUNNIES ASSASSINATION SQUAD!

Signed,

X

11:15 p.m

Hoooooooooly crap, I was going to spazz at work today. I hate it, I hate it. I hate it even more every time I realize it's not a real job 'cause it's a FAMILY business owned by MY FAMILY and so therefore I'm surrounded by FAMILY or MY MOM all FREAKING DAY LONG. So yeah, it sucked. I was going all psycho every time somebody walked in the door, you know, that blank-eyed 'I'm going to kill you' kind of way. You know that siren song in Kill Bill whenever Uma Thurman saw someone she was about to kill? That's what went through my head.

Anyway, tomorrow is the weigh-in. As I mentionned earlier, my track-keeping totally went to shit on day four. I really hope I didn't gain weight. If I did, I'm going to fucking cry man, seriously.

I hate being fat. I know this is going to sound totally juvenile (well, everything I say sounds pretty goddamn juvenile actually), but I totally blame my parents for my being overweight. Seriously, this is a breakthrough for me 'cause WHO'S been feeding me all these years? My parents. THAT'S right. I'll leave it to whoever's reading this to figure out whether I'm really serious about this.

Also, a note to whoever manages to stumble across this page: I know this thing is opened to the World Wide Web and it's naive of me to think that NOBODY will EVER EVER read this...but I've decided to remove the comment section so that I can at least have the ILLUSION of privacy. And, frankly, I really don't care for your comments because if I wanted an outside opinion on my ramblings, I'd go see a shrink. Now if that sounds hostile, well, all I can say is....

....
.
.
.
.
.
.

Wait for it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

BITE MY BIG FAT ASS.


Signed,

X

7:32 p.m

Oh man, the whole Weight Watchers thing hasn't been working for the past two days. Seriously, I fell off. I'm not giving up though! Tomorrow, I'm going to be extra diligent. I've been running almost every morning, which is good, but otherwise, I'm a little worried about the meeting. What a horrible thing to happen, for me to step on that scale and realize, IN FRONT OF MY GODDAMN MOTHER, that I've gained a pound.

I really, really, really, really, really don't want that to happen. Really. I'm going to be so sad if it does.

3:43 p.m

I joined Weight Watchers. I am so determined to lose weight, it's become a fanatical obsession (which, despite the physical benefits of it, seems rather unhealthy to me). See, my weight has been a burden on me for a long, long time and it doesn't make me happy at all. I think this is the only way and I am determined, DETERMINED, to make this work.

Anyway, I have to go take a shower 'cause I have a driving lesson later and I haven't showered in a while.

Signed,

X

2:47 p.m

Self-guided meditation:

I am light. I am air. I am the cosmos in its glorious splendor and splendorous glory. I am a nether-earthly being, floating above everyone else. I am better than they, higher, and much more powerful. I will relinquish all weaknesses and focus on strength. I am their superior.

And I will crush them like ants.

Signed,

X

11:10 p.m

As of this day, I will become a new person. I will be fierce and strong. I will be independant. I will do what is best for myself, my future, and those belonging to my future. I will grow up and be proud of who I am. I will not be killed day by day by petty tortures. I will grow and become mightiest of mighty, respected and respectful, tactful. Childish, no longer am I.

Signed,

X

4:58 p.m

We're having a BBQ today with relatives. If there are babies, then it'll be ok. If it's just annoying bratty kids, then break out the Advil.

Just had two and a half burgers (1 by itself, 1 1/2 with bun). Jeeeeeeeesus, sirloin burgers are top notch, seriously, seriously. I ate it now and I won't eat anything 'til much later when the burgers are nice and digested so I can have some yummy yummy steak.

I know, I sound like I'm some eccentric fat girl. I'm not really living up to my opening quote. By all means, God should've just killed me a long time ago.

*Tomorrow, the goal is to have run two circuits and bike one circuit*

Signed,

X

10:36 a.m

Another day with the family planned...oh God. Hopefully the car rides won't be so heinous.

Other than that, nothing new. Ran a lap this morning. Couldn't breathe.

Signed,

X

10:51 p.m

Went to African Lion Safari with the family. Some of it was pretty cool (the animals). Some of it was pretty brutal (the family). All in all, today was really a mixed bag.

I've decided to keep a soup log. I'm going to learn how to make a different soup every week. Why soup? Because it's relatively easy to control and difficult to burn. So good luck to me.

Signed,

X

9:54 a.m

Failed again. Ok, maybe I'm setting unrealistic goals. This whole starchless/carbless thing is UNNATURAL. If God or whatever didn't want us to eat carbs, then, you know, chickens would be easier to catch and cows wouldn't produce so much methane.

So I've decided to just be RESPONSIBLE when eating. I know, that's going to be a stretch for me.

Wishing for wishes of good luck,

X

6:30 p.m

Failed. Absolutely failed. Starting again...tomorrow.

6:58 p.m

YAY! CANADA FINALLY WON A MEDAL! GO CANADA! (Burn in hell Australia and China!)

9:39 a.m

Ok, I'm off to work today. *groan* Working really sucks, but money doesn't. But still... *groan*.

Today will be the OFFICIAL first day of my starch/sugar/etc.-free attempt. I don't want to fail. I will have the discipline of a monk. Seriously. Ok, maybe not THAT disciplined, but I'll try.

Current weight: 186 lbs.

Signed,

X

9:42 p.m

I'm going to stop following the Olympics. Canada is just depressing the hell out of me.

Btw, Kill Bill Vol. 2 kicks major ass.

6:10 p.m

Oh man...after reading a bunch of other blogs, I'm struck by how boring my life is. God, what the hell is wrong with me? Maybe things will pick up once school starts...(actually, that sentence alone proves how pathetic my life is).

*Sigh*

I'm going out to eat a whack load of steak with the family. My new diet is based on a sheet of forbidden foods my doc gave me a couple of years ago. I am not allowed:

-Sugar
-Potatoes
-Corn
-Bread
-Pasta
-Rice
-Jams
-Marmalades
-Candy
-Bananas
-Soft drinks
-Cereals (except whole bran)
-Oatmeal
-Honey
-Sweetened fruit juice

Oh, yeah, I'm going to have a lot of fun with THIS list...I've already cheated a bunch of times today, but I'm optimistic. Sorta.

Signed,

X

2:42 p.m

Just got back from my third driving lesson. Oy. Today was actually scary 'cause B decided to let me control the wheel most of the time. He's a nice guy, but JESUS CHRIST...wrong move. I didn't hit anything though...major plus.

I feel really fat. I seriously am going to have to start working out. Of course, it's summer so my sleeping schedule is all out of whack so if I want to have time to run, I'm going to need to take some Tylenol PM to get me to sleep early and thus wake up early enough to do a couple of laps around the 'hood (yeah, I'm ghettofied).

Really want to talk to L, as strange as that sounds. I know he's not really my type but he could very well be the first person in my new territory (as mentioned in Friday's entry). He hasn't been on MSN anytime soon.

My dad's starting to vacuum. I hate the sound of the fucking vacuum. I think I'm going to go on a bike ride.

Signed,

X

7:16 p.m

Still stuffed...oy.

I was going through a load of junk in the basement looking for my video camera charger when I stumbled upong the Holy Grail of my late childhood/early teens...THE SPICE WORLD ALBUM!

I used to love them. I didn't go all out obsessive with the merchandise or anything, but they were my heroes (Baby Spice and Ginger were my favourites). I took a listen to the CD and it was just so fun. It was like being ten again. Not a fantastic age, 'cause I had a whole different set of problems back then, but life was definetly...less complicated. (Actually, life is pretty uncomplicated now, but back then, this wasn't a problem.)

Anyhoo, it is definetly jumping music, so I think I'm going to hold on to it and not be so fast to tuck it away now.

Nostalgically yours,

X

2:53 p.m

Whoa dolly...I'm stuffed. Still empty, but stuffed.

Operation clean room is going over successfully. Room is starting to take shape. Starting.

I want to see Kill Bill 2. I hear it's way better than the first. Of course, I want to see the Village too, but I'm going to have to wait until that comes on video 'cause no way am I going to blow another ten bucks to NOT see the movie and comfort my always-dramatic friend.

Speaking of friends, I don't think I have best friends anymore. I brought this up last post, but seriously, I don't think we can be close anymore. I mean, they're talking about faking orgasms with their boyfriends and I'm just sitting there, thinking about cats and honestly, HONESTLY (since I can be honest here)...I think they're both sluts. Or, at least, sluttish. They're both smart, assertive, independent, but they're being their own victims and I pity them. I mean, one of them is just FOOLING AROUND with a guy who SAID he didn't want a relationship and when he screws her over for some other bitch, she goes out acting like a victim and I just want to scream 'IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT, YOU BIRD!!!!'

That's right. How very Dr. Phil of me. I'm sick of this subject. I'll come back when I have something happy to write.

10:18 p.m

Oh man...I feel so...empty.

I just came back from the movies with my friends. I should've had fun. I should've seen 'The Village' and would therefore be able to cross it off my list. I should've felt like I had a social life. Somehow, something happened and all of that went to crap.

I won't re-hash what happened exactly. It's too complicated and it really isn't my story to tell. All I can say is that my best friends really don't belong in my world anymore. Even though these guys are the best, I just can't help but feel like I've breached into alien territory everytime I'm around them. So I have two choices:

a) Become a long-term member of this territory (fat chance...they're too...INTERLINKED)
or
b) Create my own territory and successfully shut them out (fatter chance for obvious reasons...antisocial tendencies being one of them)

Maybe this is the angst stuff I've been reading about so much. Then again, the angst described in books are almost never this lonely.

1:15 p.m

A bad FUCKING day. Stupid parents...stupid sense of entitlement. I hate the feeling that I owe them something. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THEM.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THEM!

1:55 a.m

Shit. I can't sleep.

The day was a failure. Again. I know, I know...I'm such a fucko. Oh well. I'm going to move my mattress downstairs and stay down there for a while as I clean my room. It's the only way.

Signed,

X

9:08 a.m

So today looks promising. I just learned that I can get a KITTY which is incentive for me to clean my room. Which is exactly what I'll do.

I know I didn't exactly finish my list from last time. That's because of the damn Da Vinci Code. Totally engrossing. Highly recommended to anyone who will listen and I have a certain knack for recommending quality stuff 'cause, last year, I kept telling anyone I saw 'Go see Donnie Darko, it'll blow your mind!' and nobody listened to me and now they're putting it in theatres and everyone's going 'Let's see Donnie Darko X!' Of course, I smiled demurely and say 'Thanks, but I already saw it. BEFORE the hype.' (well, no, not actually 'cause that's really bitchy).

Anyway, before I type down my List of Things to do Today, I should recount a story that skived me out last night. I won't go into details, but I think a guy I barely knew was trying to hit on me, a first by the way. It skived me out, mostly because this guy is a near stranger. I know that doesn't sound skived-out worthy, but in the world of X, it is. *Shudder*

Things to do Today:

1. Breakfast
2. Pilates
3. Laundry
4. Clean Room
5. Bike

Signed,

X

10:32 a.m

Oh, man...I don't even want to explain my last entry. Not yet. I'm too...blah.

Yup, it's that time of month. Not necessarily my period, just the time of month when I feel lazy and not want to do anything 'cause there's so much to do. I hate this time. It's just all crap from now until the start of the next month. Middle of the month weeks are the worst.

Anyway, I have my piano lesson today. I really don't want to go. This is mostly because of my mother, who seriously doesn't know me at all. I take things to heart when somebody says something to me. She told me my piano teacher said that I'm a very slow student and she wants me to practice more. Well, she shouldn't have said that because now I don't want to practice. I don't want to go NEAR a piano, not even to play the songs I like. My mother's so stupid. She really should just shut up more often.

And I'm starting to feel fat again (as I detailed in the last entry). I'm going to have to start exercising again if I ever want to feel thin. I've got this gross ring of fat around my torso, like a beer gut, but not really. Jesus Christ. I didn't need to share that but I did to anyway.

So here's my List of Things to do Today:

1. Practice Piano
2. Piano Lessons
3. Pilates
4. Lunch
5. Do laundry (groan....I want to have my room be something other than a bio-hazard wasteland)
6. Read Da Vinci code
7. Write at least five pages of my Sleepless screenplay
8. Continue chronicling Sir Ezekiel J. Harley

Signed,

X

8:26 p.m

HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's probably this stick-figurish little Asian chick with adorable hair and perfect skin and meek as hell or really loud and out there and everybody loves her because she's so fucking adorable and I'm here tipping the scale at almost 190 lbs. fat and unloved and unfunny and unable to finish a goddamn script with a pigsty of a room and my skin keeps breaking out and this is such typical teenager crap and if you can't fucking tell I'm not having any fucking fun at fucking all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S GOT A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:26 a.m

Ok, I'm over my parent-bashing. Actually, I was over it ten minutes after I wrote my previous post. *Sigh* I'm so bad at holding grudges. Being mad for a prolonged period of time takes a lot of energy that I don't have.

Anyway, I went to see Spider-Man 2 with the family. It was pretty good, better than the first one at least. Now, I don't much care for Tobey Maguire, but I liked Peter Parker because I just felt so sorry for the kid. For anyone who hasn't seen it (which should be a token few at this point in the summer), SEE IT. Very good for an action movie, pretty good for a movie in general.

Speaking of movies (which is all I seem to do these days --- I need a life), I've decided that filming in the summer is just not going to happen. That's ok, because I'm working out a screenplay for September and ANOTHER feature length...not to mention the play bit I have no idea what's happening with that or if it's even going to be put on or what. Actually, I don't want to think about school. I delayed summer for a month because of stupid calculus, which I'm still not sure I passed, and I have only thirty or so days to really just GO GO GO with the summer fun.

What the hell am I even doing here? I GOT TO GO HAVE FUN RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Signed,

X

12:44 p.m

I am so fucking sick of my parents. They're always around, always bossing me. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking people, so uptight about how clean their house is they never think about anything real. I know. This is such typical teenager bullshit...'my parents suck ass my parents ruin my life my parents never leave me alone whine whine whine'...honestly though, they should expect it. They should see it coming because, you know, it's their fault. They raised us, they made us into what we are. My parents especially. They fucked me up royally, they did.

More on this later.

10:20 a.m

I just read my last entry and I'm completely baffled as to what I was thinking or smoking when I wrote it.

I'm having my second driving lesson today. I can't say I've been practicing. Therefore, I'm scared as hell. My teacher, B, is really nice, but even he can't stop the wave of panick attacks once I'm on the road. "AAAHHHHHH IT'S A STOP SIGN!" etc. etc.

I hope it starts to rain soon.

10:12 p.m

I've been thinking a lot about this guy lately. Let's call him R. He's a really nice guy, really sweet with a smile that just RADIATES happiness. And even though I haven't really spoken to him all that often, I'm becoming a little obsessed.

Well, no, not obsessed. At least, no obsessed in a freakish stalker-in-the-night kinda way. I just think about him constantly. Him and his radiating smile. I hoard them whenever he flashes one to me. It's not an aesthetic thing, it's just his expression. There's no hint of a smirk on his face, no sarcasm. I don't even think he's capable of being sarcastic. R is the type of guy who's so ernestly good-natured, so unabashedly sincere and real, it's almost child-like, but in a good way. I envy him. Really, I do.

It might sound like I've got a crush on the guy. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm completely head-over-heels in love with a guy I barely know. Or maybe I'm just desperate for a boyfriend. Whatever it is, I dream of his smiles and hope that one day I'll have a smile as genuine as his.

Signed,

X

1:15 a.m

Oy vay...I don't want to rehash my work day. It SUCKED with a capital everything. That's all you need to know.

Just saw 'Veronica Guerin'. I was very moved, though I do agree with some of the negative reviews. I'm very swayed by reviews by the way, which is why I try not to read them before I see a movie. Damn you Roger Ebert...you ruined a lot of things for me.

Anyway, Veronica Guerin. A pretty good movie, though I had to question whether the real Guerin was that foolhardy. See it if you can...it's almost what my media studies teacher would call a Change Your Life movie, but not quite. It did, however, make me want to learn more about Veronica Guerin, which can only be a good thing.

I have to finish my screenplay...I'm trying to make a short movie about SOMETHING. It's hard...I'm going to starve as a filmmaker.

9:14 a.m

Ok, I should strike a couple of movies of my list: Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Signs (even though technically Signs wasn't on the list).

I can't believe I'm going to say this about a Tarantino movie but Kill Bill was okkaaayyyyyyyy.....I mean, if you want to get technical and go on about the photography and innovative techniques, then yeah, it was a pretty stellar show of craftsmanship. But it was just TOO MUCH, ya know? Too much blood, too much gore and this coming from a person who loves blood and gore. It is possibly the most violent movie I've ever seen. Well, maybe not THE most violent movie, but it's definetly up there with Battle Royale. Anyway, it was a really good movie for what it is (what is it exactly? A hodge-podge exploitation flick where Tarantino can cram as many of his boyhood cinema fantasies as possible). So, I'll give it a thumb up and a thumb in the middle.

Signs was also okkkkkaaaayyyyy...The only other Shyamalan movie I saw beforehand was The Sixth Sense, which I thought was pretty good when that kid wasn't so FREAKING ANNOYING (I have a thing against child actors...well, actually, I have a thing against actors younger than 25, but THAT's really a generalization). Anyhoo, Signs was a little disappointing but it had its moments (notably "Aaahhh! I am insane with anger!"). Joaquin Phoenix is one of my favourite actors, so I guess he made it more tolerable that it should have been. So, I guess it gets a thumb up and a thumb down.