3:19 p.m

So...it is almost Halloween...quite possibly one of the best days of the year, despite the fact that it is only truly significant to Wiccans, Pagans, sugar-fiends, or pedophiles out for the hunt...I can't really associate myself with any of these groups, but it's still fun nonetheless.

I'm going to a Halloween party later...first time I've been out in weeks btw...I'm looking forward to it and yet, I'm kind of dreading it because something bad always happens when I'm trying to have fun. I think God is trying to punish me for being an atheist by making me the least fun person on the planet...not fair, I say...usually people get punished after years of wild hedonism. Worst luck.

I guess it's also worth mentioning that I've decided to post my real name...it's LENA, in case you've missed it. That's right, the X persona is no more. It just wasn't working out for me...if I want this blog to be even the least bit catharthic, I need to know that there is a chance that some of the people I'm complaining about come on this site and read all the shit I'm spewing about them.

Anyway, wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Yours,

Lena

7:58 p.m

Oh man...today was just totally and completely...well, it's not going to be easily forgettable, that's for damn sure.

I found out that, at one point this year, one of my close friends was pregnant....and then she had a miscarriage. She didn't tell anybody but her ex-boyfriend, and she HAD to tell him 'cause it was his baby. Other than that, she kept totally silent. And she's one of my best-friends-but-not-really-anymore...she didn't tell me until today...and I am completely shaken.

She says it's ok now, of course, because there's no baby coming, which is good...but it really isn't comforting to know that someone that close to me almost had her life as she knew it completely ruined. I was literally shivering, thinking about it right after she told me, and I just wanted to cry thinking about how she went through it alone and she shouldn't have had to...I can't even explain this feeling right now, because I'm still shivering. This is out of my ball park, I can't even begin to think how she took it when she found out....she hid it really well, so I guess she's just a stronger person than I am.

I know I've said before that I'll have to move on...but this is my friend, you know, and she made a huge mistake and she almost had to sacrifice everything for it...she may have hurt me before, but I can't hate her for it because all the while she's been suffering in a way I can't possibly imagine. And nobody wants to see someone they love suffer.

Yours,

X

1:52 p.m

Righto...I'm feeling particularly self-centered at the moment, so I will blatantly steal someone else's idea ( I believe it was Chris) and write a bunch of random crap about ME! YAY!

A BUNCH OF RANDOM CRAP ABOUT X or THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE TO KNOW BUT WILL HAVE THE INFORMATION AT YOUR DISPOSAL ANYWAY...

1. I was born sometime near the end of 1987

2. Which would currently make me almost 17

3. I hate my name (Gareth is currently the only person who knows my real name...I'm not too sure why I told him since I went through all the trouble of forming my 'X' persona...maybe I'll end up writing it down somewhere on this list when I feel like it)

4. I am a MOVIE FREAK...absolutely adore movies, especially good ones (this list includes Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill 2, Godfather I and II, A Touch of Evil, Citizen Kane (I'm a big Orson Welles fan), Battle Royale, About a Boy, Taxi Driver, Le Fabuleux Destin D'Amélie Poulain, Ginger Snaps, Manon des sources, Huit Femmes etc. etc.)

5. I like ghost stories

6. I like spy stories

7. I like unsolved mysteries (the show and just unsolved mysteries in general)

8. I hope to become a filmmaker ...speaking of, the 'Girls' shoot is almost done!

9. I don't generally like to be hugged, kissed, or touched...that is, until I meet a very special
person...which I haven't

10. I have become highly resentful of my friends and parents

11. I always procrastinate and I always curse my procrastinating habits when a deadline approaches

12. I think and worry waaaaaayyyy too much

13. Ditto the swearing

14. I need to get away from my house more often

15. ...yet I'm afraid of growing up, going to university, and moving out...but I still want to go

16. I am easily overwhelmed

17. I hate acting, but I respect people who can do it well

18. I don't know a lot of people who can act well

19. I spend a ridiculous amount of time having highly detailed, extremely philosophical conversations with myself

20. I still play make-believe

21. I enjoy torturing my sister (that is, a good-natured sibling kind of torture)

22. I think George Bush is extremely stupid, but I don't have a flaming hate for him as do so
many of my more politically-inclined peers...instead, I feel extreme pity for him

23. I think we should all be allowed to kill one person (ONE person) as long as we have a very, very, very, very good reason (oh, and not have to, you know, go to jail...and you can determine what makes a very, very, very good reason)

24. I don't think humans should test products on animals...I do however think they should be allowed to eat them

25. In that vein, although I believe their intentions are generally good, the people at PETA come off to me as a bunch of psycho fanatics (well, the psycho fanatics do anyway)

26. I find Cillian Murphy extremely sexy

27. ...which is not something I can say about Ashton Kutcher, Johnny Knoxville, or Justin Timberlake

28. I hate reality TV

29. I'd like to go to England (what exactly IS Picadilly Circus?)

30. I'd also like to go Italy...and France, Spain...well pretty much all of Europe. As well as Australia.

31. I don't believe in God, though sometimes I wish I did

32. I lie all the time...but never about anything important

33. I think very violent thoughts, but most of the time I'm quite harmless

34. I don't understand why we're not allowed to wear hats in buildings

35. I name all my writing utensils

36. I am extremely competitive, but not many people know that

37. I have secrets and plan on collecting more

38. I would like to apologize on behalf of my fellow Canadians for the horror that is Celine Dion

39. I. Hate. Mushrooms. (people find the notion of drinking tap water disgusting, yet they willingly put fungus in their mouths...what the fuck, people?!)

40. I like cats, dogs, penguins, monkeys, and rabbits...but I would probably never want eat any of them...except maybe monkeys...mmmmmm...monkeys

41. I read a lot

42. But I hate reading things for school

43. I hate school...I think it ruins everything, especially Shakespeare

44. If I could do one thing all day, it would be to go hang-gliding with my camera and take aerial footage of everything I see

45. I think there is a innate goodness in all of us...even the really rotten sons-of-bitches out there

46. I am usually unhappy

Bursting with tedium-ly yours

X

Final thought: The burning giraffe will only appear once you discover your eternal self

6:36 p.m

Hoooooly fuck (yeah, fuck the *fiddlesticks* thing for now...too full of emotion to censor myself)...

Today really pissed me off and did indeed show me that my 'best friends' really are not my best friends anymore...I don't think they do it on purpose, but you know when you're not as loved as you love...and that's not good enough for me anymore. They moved on, so will I.

I suppose it's for the best, seeing as I've really started to resent them. I mean, they're both gorgeous and smart and assertive and everybody fucking adores them...and here I am, this plain, shy Asian girl, who is so easily ignorable people don't even fucking realize they're ignoring me...again, not their fault, but how long can I just fucking sit there, basking in their glory, while they and the rest of the world don't even notice I exist? This might sound really self-centered of me, but DAMMIT, I've spent my whole life worrying about what other people think, I think now is the time for ME! ME! ME! Fuck...

So I'm breaking alliances. I'm the US, going heedlessly ahead as my international liaisons crumble. I'm the barnacle floating off the whale, the dislodging brick, I put the ENDE in INDEPENDENTLY MOTIVATED...or whatever.

Metaphorically yours,

X

5:34 p.m

I've come to the conclusion that I swear way too much...both in writing and orally...so, to 'sanitize' my entry (or entries...depending on how I feel), I will now use the term *fiddlesticks* whenever I feel the urge to swear.

Today was not a bad day at all...I feel oddly happy but I'm not too sure why, only now I'm afraid I'll be unhappy...which is what always happened because I am a most messed-up individual.

Anyway, I had my interview for assistant stage manager today for the Theatrics Society (a nice little title for what is, essentially, a drama club). I have no idea what my impression was, but I think I may have said something that would make Mrs. S reluctant to assign the job to me (I said I got overwhelmed by lots of movement in large spaces...g'doing! I'm such a *fiddlesticks*.

THEN I had to stay after school to man the door for the rest of the auditions, though there really wasn't much need (all these birds in my school...holy *fiddlesticks* crickey...when you schedule an audition, you might want to *fiddlesticks* show up, *FIDDLESTICKS*!) Essentially what I did was talk movies with D, which was quite enjoyable because I think she's the only person aside from myself who is constantly on cinematic brain mode...everything's a movie to us.

Speaking of, we start filmming tomorrow! It's a short called 'Girls' which we're entering into the Marion Drysedale competition...it'll be so awesome. I really hope we manage to get a second camera 'cause I would really want to do some shooting...we might have a problem getting our 'mean girls posse' together though...no worries, no worries...I'm hoping for the best...I'm thinking positive for a change 'cause being happy is better than being unhappy.

I have 'discovered' a new author...well, not really discover as recently become aware of and thus joining a bandwagon of so many others... 'HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY' IS HILARIOUS...I know I've been totally out of touch 'cause apparently it's got a huge cult following, so don't laugh. Anyway, it's a good thing and it's a bad thing, 'cause I still need to read 'A Clockwork Orange'...*fiddlesticks*...

(fill in the blank)-ingly yours,

X

9:23 a.m

YAY FOR LONG WEEKENDS!

No school today, which means I have all day to do my homework (worse luck) and I have my final driving lesson (worse luck x2)...but that's ok 'cause school sucks anyhow.

Yeah, Friday really sucked bunnies. I'm being a total spazz about my mark on an English essay (80%! IN ENGLISH! WTF?) I know I sound like one of those really aggravating people who complain about an A- on something, but COME ON...ENGLISH for crying out loud. English is my best subject, I kick total ass in English, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING 90% MR. M???

Now, if this were, say, a Science class, I'd thank the Science gods for an eighty and do a tribute dance for the entire department, but seeing as it's in English (as I have reiterated far too many times), I'm rather pissed off.

Aside from that travesty, the thing that really brought down my Friday was the ever-looming presence of my sense of abandonment. Case in point: my friends have made it abundantly clear that the only time they ever want to see me is during school hours. Now, they didn't SAY this out loud, but it was so very clear. You see, I understand if they're busy with jobs or rehearsals or whatever, but if they're, say, meeting OTHER people, OTHER friends, then they schedule me around them. I have two best friends who have friends of their own and they would rather hang out with EACH OTHER or with their other friends, than hang out with me. I've told them before how it really sucks for me when I have to sit there and listen to them talk about people and things that I don't get, I've TOLD them how it made me feel left out. So what did they do? They sent me an email saying: "Oh, X, we're so, so, so sorry. I can't imagine how left out you've felt. I know you don't like us to say this often, but WE LOVE YOU and we want you to be happy." But then, they just kept doing it. They kept going out. They kept excluding me. THEY KEEP DOING IT EVERY FUCKING DAY. The only time I see them is during the lunch hour at school and all that ever happens is a) we bitch about school or b) they talk about other things and totally ignore me for 75 or so minutes.

So, I'm thinking perhaps it'd be best if I just...stopped caring. About everything. Caring about things ultimately leads to disappointment and with all the other crap you have to contend with, what's the point?

I-don't-give-a-fuckingly yours,

X

What I did today in no particular order: Later

4:08 p.m

School today was totally non-descript, so I'm going to ramble about something else. In going with that theme, today's edition of Jujubes will be entitled:

X's QUEST FOR A JOB

or

HOW I LEARNED THAT MONEY DOES INDEED MAKE

THE WORLD GO ROUND

Along with my good friend M (the one with no sense of direction), we calculated that university life is going to be a hefty load to bear in terms of finances. I won't go into details ('cause I've forgotten most of them), but the basic gist of our findings is that we'd be extremely lucky

if our final first-year cost lands under $10 000...and that's not including, you know, food,

clothes, and general miscallaneous stuff (although food plans might be included in residence...who knows). Anyway, the first thought that came to me was "Holy crap, I'm fucked!" my second thought was "Jesus Fucking Christ, I'm not going to eat at all

next year, am I?" and my third thought was "Well, I don't want my parents s

upporting me like my loser-ass brother, so I'd better get a job...fuck."

And thus began the Quest for the Job.

So I got my reference, I spewed a bunch of glorious crap on my resume (Six time honour roll student! Extremely responsible! Excellent team work exhibited!), and all I really need to do now is to go hand them out and play the Waiting Game. Fun. And even though money would be fantastic, I hate jobs. Really, I do. I spent my entire summer working at my mom's restaurant and, trust, hell would be more temperate. (Imagine, if you will, having to serve a party of THIRTEEN, as well as a party of ELEVEN with only two people on staff...it's Armageddon).

But yeah, I'm getting off my lazy ass, which is good, but to get a job, which sucks total monkey balls.

Employably yours

X

8:41 p.m

Mondays are gross. However, I can safely say that Sundays are now the new Mondays, making Tuesdays the new Wednesdays, making Thursdays the new Fridays, meaning Fridays technically don't count as a school day. But I digress...

Anyway, today wasn't too bad actually. I got a bunch of really great marks for history assignments I didn't really work for (90% on a test I didn't study for...I rule!) and a bunch of other crap that happened that isn't really important enough to mention.

However, that isn't to say I'm still up from my down that occurred last Friday. No, not at all. If anything, the weekend only intensified my bad mood, and Monday, well...Monday acted as all Mondays do, and sucked even though it wasn't really bad (does this make sense?). What I really need is an endorphin high...so maybe I ought to go run...but not right now 'cause it's dark and the last thing I want is to be too winded to escape a possible rapist or something (yeah, that's the Mean World Syndrome for you).

I feel inexplicably angry...I think it's more frustration than anger, but it leads to rage just the same...I just feel extremely violent and want to tear things to fucking pieces...I was watching a movie that equated violence to sex (Ginger Snaps, go see it, it's awesome), so maybe that means I'm horny...lol...what a laugh am I.

Seriously, I'm the most asexual person I know...I don't even liked to be hugged...I guess it means I just want to kill something 'cause I have a lot of rage inside me. Hmmmm...

Anyway, today's posting is quite disturbing...I'm probably going to regret posting this later but I'll worry about that when it comes.

Rage-a-holic-ally yours,

X

What I did today in no particular order: woke up, took a freezing shower (suffering=character lol), breakfast (drank milk too fast = tummy ache), Writer's Craft, elections assembly (GO S!...he won by the way...SUPER), English (stupid), lunch, guidance appointment (I got a 67 in Calculus...low, but YAY! I passed...which I did not expect at all), History (90% on test and 90% on presentation...I RULE!), after school drama course (nothing of note), came home, had dinner, made audition posters for drama, am GOING TO READ AND HOPEFULLY FINISH TTOTS (oh, for the love of God X....), ran, blog entry, eventually sleep...

1:32 p.m

I ended on kind of a down beat on Friday...I'm not necessarily 'up' again, but whatever...

Yeah, I'm bored. Which is why I'm entering a post even though I'm kind of sick of looking at my comp. Stupid piano lessons later...yuck. Still have to read the Taming of the Shrew...yuckier. I'm two weeks late on my deadline for this book...and I still have to read A Clockwork Orange...shitters.

I should run later...I'm trying to discipline myself into doing things other than sitting on my ass, doing nothing...but I'm feeling kinda lethargic...I dunno, maybe it's just the time of month. Sometimes I truly curse being female, because it sucks. Then again, I don't think I'd want to be a guy either. I don't know what my logic is behind that, but I just don't...I think it's 'cause I kind of pity guys for having to put up with women. And I pity women for having to put up with being women. And I pity children for having to put up with adults, older people for having to deal with teenagers, teenagers because their lives generally suck, and fish because if they're not being eaten by another, bigger fish, they're being fried with butter and a dash of lemon...which, reminds me, I'm hungry.

So, in conclusion, I think I pity everyone 'cause life is just toooooooo hard...I know I sound like a baby, but I pity babies too 'cause I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would be having to walk around with shit in your diaper.

Spirit-crushingly yours,

X

What I did: Later...

10:43 p.m

Oh man...I knew it was too good to last. Being happy never lasts...I should know, as I have reverberated back to melancholy. Shit.

Didn't see M's show after all...her fault though for giving the wrong fucking directions. I need to learn how to drive so at least I don't piss my mom off...

I feel like such a fucking kid. I don't fucking DO anything...I'm surrounded by my parents 24/7, I don't drive, I don't go out, I do FUCKING NOTHING and it's starting to PISS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I mean, shit, I might as well be thirteen again for all the crap I haven't done...I'm not saying I ought to be some pot-smoking, diseased cunt, crack whore, but I'm WAY overdue for the whole rebelling thing. Maybe next year when I move out I'll get to do that...but not even, 'cause I'll probably have loads of shit to do with a job and the university thing.

Ok, I'm tired of ranting. Actually, I'm just fucking tired. Don't expect an entry before the weekend's over.

Just...yours,

X

What I did today in no particular order: Nothing.